A COMPLICATED LIFE

I am searching for a word... contradiction came up, but that's not correct... ah, it's complicated.

I wanted to simplify my life, drop out of things I was uncomfortable doing and concentrate more on what I liked. I began to avoid people who didn't know how to be happy and were always full of drama. I wanted to surround myself with those who worked at making their lives better and looked at situations with a positive attitude. I refused to watch the news or read the newspapers because I did not want to get caught up in all the misery of the world. I was the one who wanted to move to the mountains and become a hermit.

And so my world narrowed. Not such a bad thing, but after pulling in all the boundaries, it was time to move out again. I got out in the community a little bit. I agreed to teach Tai Chi at the Center. I became involved with a writing group. I joined the local snowmobile club, became secretary whose duties were to attend two meetings a month. Then I volunteered to write articles for the state snowmobile newspaper and put together the club's newsletter. I agreed to attend another meeting.

I enjoy what I am doing, but I have lost some of that simplicity that I tried so hard to attain. Now there are appointments to keep, meetings to attend, and deadlines to make. I decided to do the Tai Chi class twice a week and the bi-weekly healers group has become weekly. I have become responsible again for more than just myself and the days fly by. (And this isn't even mentioning any family considerations.)

So, what do I mean by responsible for more than myself? When Ma and I first moved here, my only responsibilities were to her and the house. As I said, I'd narrowed my world, but as I began to become involved with others, the focus shifted from here to out there. I made a commitment when I joined the club and became more active in other pursuits and that commitment is putting me back out into the stress filled environment I tried to get away from.

Right now, I need to be very aware of my position in this scheme of things. I am at the end of my comfort zone and becoming a member of the new artists group has me really considering this venture. However, I call myself an artist and that means I need to become part of that community. It's time to promote my work and, hopefully, this will allow future income.

I have heard, in two different instances, to "Just choose one," and "Choose one art form and stick with it." I can see the point, but I struggle with this because there are so many interesting things to do... how can anyone just choose one? When there is so much to enjoy, how can I pick only one? Maybe it's just my lot in life to be a jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none. Then again, maybe I can be a master at enjoying life with all that it throws at me.

My dream of becoming a hermit and living simply has fallen by the wayside. I can't be a hermit anyway--- I like comfort too much. Still, I can remain very aware of what I want to do and be able to say no when the need arises. Hmmm, maybe it's time to sit down and define myself again...