Thursday, December 02, 2010

Being Our Own Worst Enemy
We are often our own worst enemies and this is played out before me time and again. Lately I’ve let the stress get to me almost to the point of making myself sick. I tell you, though, much of it is my own fault. (Okay, maybe all of it is my fault as I am in charge of my feelings.) I can be as stubborn as I accuse my mother of being. I brag to myself that I have all the tools and that I am “experienced,” but when I am faced with adversity or tough times, I crash and will tend to wallow in my misery.
There are some interesting aspects to this, however. Even when I am in anguish, there’s that part of me that self analyzes. Are there times when I act just like the person whom I have allowed to get to me in the moment? If I have all these “tools,” why am I not pulling them to the fore and being compassionate and peaceful? When I take time to pull back from the emotions, I am actually able to focus on why I am feeling thusly.
Another interesting aspect is that I have to admit that I often will choose the negative behavior around specific topics; my mother, legal stuff dealing with lawyers or real estate, the medical profession, etc. I suppose I could congratulate myself for this ability except that I do nothing to change it. I could… if I chose to.
So, why do I choose to allow myself misery and anger? Does it really have to do with the Buddhist belief that we are here to suffer? The latter is part of it, however, it’s also an excuse not to change or try to change. That means, if I am being honest with myself, I have to look at the first question. Why DO I choose to be miserable?
The biggest reason is because it takes WORK to change and if I am not willing to do the work, the old patterns will keep repeating. Alright, I admit, I am lazy. I don’t practice what I preach, and yet, I totally, one hundred percent believe in what I know.
Perhaps this is part of my evolution. Because I fall into the pit just like everyone else, I certainly will never think I am better than the next person. I know what suffering is because I, too, suffer; maybe not exactly like the next person, but it is suffering. It also makes me vulnerable and sometimes that can be a good thing as I’ve been accused before of not letting anything bother me.
Why do I choose the misery? Do I feel guilty when I am happy when everyone else around me has problems? There’s some truth to this, too, but it also has to do with empathy. I can’t shut the world off all the time and the universe does have ways of… testing one… and I always know when things go well for awhile, there is going to be a downslide. It’s the way of life.
Maybe this is why when I crash, I crash big time and unless someone or something scrapes me off the pavement with a shovel, I wallow in the abyss… for awhile… until it’s over… until it’s time to crawl out again… Then I pick myself up, dust myself off, and go on--- carrying a few more scars… or maybe they’re badges of courage… because I’ve not totally given up…

1 comment:

Sandra said...

You are special and your gifts are needed. I miss you and need you. Can I scrape you up off the ground? I am lonely for you. And I have some wonderful, freshly made yesterday yogurt here that we could share, with sweet local maple syrup and some mediocre coffee. And our energy could intermingle for a bit and maybe we would both feel the better for it. I wish I could come to you. I would. Invited or uninvited. I would drive, I would ride a bike, I would walk. But I can not do any of those things. I am trapped and my distress grows because my friend remains in such distress and I can not see her face or feel her touch or feel the vibrations of her voice in the air around me, even if it is just in venting. I am denied my friend. I am denied so much and have had too many lessons in helplessness lately. Think about it. You know who I am.