SUICIDE

She ended it. A finality that shook family and friends to the core. While most everyone reels from the impact, the "how could she," or "what could I have done," my focus goes to her. What drives someone to that point? How far can someone fall before they are unable to get up? Where is the line beyond which there is no help?

While some are quick to fault, I feel a sadness. I've only known a couple of people who have taken their own lives but there's a part of me that totally understands how they could reach that point. There was a time in my life where I thought about it... a lot, but I was fortunate enough to have family close by... or perhaps it was some inner strength that drove me to find a way through my own personal despair.

I'm not saying that the ones who take their own lives are weak. We all have our own crosses to bear and we all need help in one way or another. Maybe sometimes there IS no other way... for them. When the end of the rope is reached and all options have been tried and there is no one to turn to or authority denies proper help, what does one do? When one falls so far into the chasm that they cannot get out or accept what is available and all strength and desire are gone... what then?

I believe there is a point of no return... or no return without desperate measures like hospitalization and all. But how can someone be "saved" before that point? Then, too, that person has to want to be helped and they have to do the work. Sometimes, people are unwilling or they just... can't. If you are in that position of witnessing another's downward spiral, there's only so much you can do. Mostly, it is up to that person to help themself.

A good friend of mine explained mental health as chemical reactions in the brain and when there's an imbalance, the person afflicted cannot help themselves. My friend told me that in these cases, people need medical intervention. It seems to me that in today's society this is becoming a huge issue and I struggle to understand why so many people are quick to get the drugs. There are even commercials on tv now to convince people that if they are unhappy and depressed, that they can get these magic pills. (Well, you know my magic pill theory.)

Perhaps...evidently... I wasn't really suicidal when I was younger even though I was terribly unhappy and planned ways of doing it. Maybe there was just a strong will to live within me that kept me from doing it. It could simply be that I decided that I wanted to be happy and was going to find a way to accomplish that. Perhaps there are no real reasons why some people have to end their lives by their own hands, but it is a part of life and something that makes us take stock of our own.

When I've talked to people who are depressed, I've noticed they are often stuck. They reach a point where they are unwilling to listen to advice. Sometimes it even seems there's a part of them that LIKES being miserable. Misery does feed on itself and will keep doing so until you say STOP!!!

Deciding on happiness or despair is a choice; it can be a hard choice, but still a choice. It takes practice and it is work! If bad luck seems to be your friend, it's time to find new ones. When the mind's patterns are always keyed in on everything that goes wrong, it's time to change the way you think. We are so willing to do physical exercises to keep the body in shape, but mental exercises to keep you mentally vibrant and alive are just as important.

I decided I wanted to be happy and began researching and experimenting. I read books, took seminars, changed careers and have tried to simplify my life. I found out that if I want to be happy, I had to MAKE myself happy. I had to focus on the things I liked to do and stop relying on someone else to tell me who I was and what to do or be. It hasn't been easy and there are times when I feel like I am kicking and screaming but I know the direction I am going is for my own good. And I am happy.

One of the things I began working with early on is writing and the use of words. If one word didn't quite fit, what other word could I use. For instance, in the beginning, I wasn't sure that I could ever say I was "happy," but what I could let myself feel was joy, simple joy. When I took a walk on the beach after a miserable day at work ... the feel of the sand beneath my feet, the sound of the waves rolling across the rocks, or the fresh smell of the salt air...my heart would be filled with such joy. I could live with that joy.

And so I grew mentally and spiritually. Through the books, seminars, and other training, I had to go outside myself to find my way back into myself. Then finding that I had to be IN myself to find true happiness. During a Tai Chi class the other day, someone asked if in focusing so much on the self might it cause you to be selfish and narrow minded.

There's a big difference between being self-centered and focusing on the self for health. With meditations, yoga, Tai Chi or other healing techniques, the focusing into self also creates a greater openness and compassion for all life. Selfishness is not genuine self-love, but is fear based, whereas centering and grounding in the self is a love and acceptance that radiates outward to all other things. Simply put, "You have to love yourself before you can truly and totally love others." Then your heart will be so full of love that it bubbles over. You will love with great joy and it will be a love you WANT to give and not one you feel you have to.

Attitude, attitude, attitude... and I'm not talking about people who "have an attitude"... but it's about having a positive, healthy attitidue. For instance, every day when I get up, I tell myself, "What a beautiful day!" and I let myself see it as such no matter what the weather or what is planned for the day. When I look in the mirror, I won't allow myself to go "ugh" but will allow that I have a beauty about me. If something upsets me, as soon as I can get calm, I will tell myself something like, "Isn't that interesting that I had that reaction..." and if someone pushes my buttons, I will turn it into, "wow, he must be really unhappy to want to make someone else feel bad." At the end of the day, I say gratitude prayers for my life and for those around me.

Now, I'm not saying I'm perfect. Oh, no no no. I have my moments of impatience and orneriness (I like the word, ornery.) I get angry and feel like throwing temper tantrums (I can visualize that little girl inside of me stamping her foot with her arms crossed in front of her chest and screaming "I won't.") I want everything to go MY way, of course, and when it doesn't, my feelings are often hurt. And I could go on...

But after my bouts of ... my mother calls it normal-ness... I am able to focus on centering and grounding and peace returns to my heart.

Because I have all this... knowledge... within me now, I can view despair and misery with an open heart. I feel more compassion for those who do not know what true happiness is. I've been there and once in awhile still go there but at least I know the way out. I count my blessings every day. My heart cries for those who are lost.

Check out www.poetrypoem.com/sashapoems for the one I wrote this morning about suicide.

May you walk in beauty today and everyday.

DEADLINES, PROCRASTINATION, AND LOTS TO DO

Here I am again near the end of another month and my mind is racing with all the things that I need to do. I cannot do things ahead of time. There's something about being in the moment. Newsletter articles are held off in case more information comes in. I've put off cleaning out the copy machine although I did finally contact the company about an owners manual (was told that it is not available but I was able to download directions on how to change the toner.)

As I've said many times, my work energy is in the mornings as long as I am able to avoid interruptions and contact with anyone. Once I am distracted, I am unable to focus further. I sometimes wonder if I took a nap after lunch would I be more ambitious in the afternoons. If I pushed myself harder, I would accomplish more but when the moment comes, I make the choice to play a game with Ma or sit and read.

Lately my mornings have been scheduled with other appointments. Ma has had doctors' appointments and I've had to do shopping. Unfortunately, what put me further behind this week was that I had to make a second run to Concord to make an exchange and that trip turned into an all day affair.

Deadlines, deadlines... I'm not too worried about the news articles. I can do them up fairly quickly once I sit down to write them. However, I do have to make a phone call to get information on a story and that'll be a challenge. The major event this coming week is to have the drawings and photographs for the art show ready to hang. I haven't done the little write ups to go with each picture, yet, and looking at my schedule, all the mornings but Sunday and Thursday are taken up. Uh, oh.

What about this week's writing group? Oh, I am not prepared and instead of doing this blog, I should have taken the time to do that... but I am somehow feeling I need a little break from writing. It happens.

The Healers Group has been busy, too, and is growing. We are talking about starting another group; keeping our Tuesday nights as our healers' support group and opening another day/night to do group healings and teaching.

The brush pile is also on my mind. Snow is melting quickly and that pile needs to be burned. I am not looking forward to that. It makes me very nervous as the pile is quite large and I will not do it alone. Last year, the burn smouldered for a long time and I was very uncomfortable. I worry that it will get away or that the smoke will bother the neighbors.

It needs to be taken care of soon. With the melting going on, all the limbs that came down this past December from the ice storm have made the yard a mess. That needs to be cleaned up before I can rake or start working with plants and the debris cannot be added to the current brush pile.

You know, though, I look through this rambling and laugh at myself. If this is all I have to worry about, life is pretty darn good! I look out the window at the bare ground and my feet want to be out there. When I get downstairs and see the snowbank I'd have to crawl over... guess the bare spots will wait a few more days. Maybe I'll even pick up the phone today and put in a call to ask about a fire permit.

EXPANDED HEALING

Our healing group is really taking off. The bi-weekly Tuesday night meetings have evolved into weekly and we have had a couple of occasions where we've met with a Native American healer. I don't know whether to call him shaman or medicine man. I'm not fond of titles because they seldom say the whole truth and I am not sure that he even uses those terms.

We are all very excited. The group is helping us explore various healing techniques and giving opportunity to work on each other so we can hone our skills. I particularly love that we can talk about anything and our conversations can range from daily stressors to spirit guides... whatever. For some, this is a totally new experience and for others, it is validation for things we have always felt.

While the group is expanding spiritually, we have had to limit size. It is important that each person has a chance to speak and when a group gets too many members, some people take over while others get stuck in the background. This makes our Tuesday nights just for us. It's been a hard decision to tell others that they cannot join us.

However, this does not mean that we are limiting ourselves. We have been doing some group healings and while these early stages have been working on each other, there are plans to work with others. We all have clients or know someone who would benefit and it's been decided that we could use another time to work on someone outside the core group.

This past weekend we were taught to shapeshift to travel to another place to do a healing on someone who was in need. Afterwards we placed a call to the woman and she was raving about how much better she felt. Very interesting and exciting.

One thing that SW really advocates is prayer before and after a healing. I usually remember before the client shows up, then will remember to say one once I start working, but I seldom do one in the end. I'll set up the intent when I begin a healing by calling on good healing spirits and opening myself to the Light, but to actually pray before and after... Yes, I want to bring that aspect into my work.

FINDING MOTIVATION

There's a lot to accomplish this month, but today I cannot seem to be able to get out of my own way. Instead of keeping busy, I am spending moments in quiet contemplation... then again, I'm not even contemplating much, my mind is not full of its usual chatter. For once I could sit in meditation and not have a war of words going on in my head.

I could be working on the printer. I've done the cleanings, but there are still lines across the pictures and the big printer that belongs to the LSSC is full of toner and I'm not looking forward to cleaning that. Guess that got all jarred in the moving. I have to get to it soon because I have responsibilities. Even in thinking about this, I sit back and let my mind go blank; I've probably done it at least five times while writing this one paragraph.

This is highly unusual for this time of the morning. I'm usually running at full speed by 7:30 and wouldn't be winding down til 9:30-10:00 a.m. Today however, I lean back in the chair and let the warmth of the sun permeate my soul. I feel at peace even though I know I should be very busy. Am I over tired? I didn't go to bed til after 11 last night and was still up by 5:30 a.m.

Maybe I should allow myself to revel in these feelings of peacefulness. Perhaps, for once, I should go down to the studio and do some art work. I started a new charcoal drawing the other day. I've also been thinking about the material and how I've been planning to make small medicine bags. I could finish setting up the healing room as I've moved it down stairs because there is more space for group healings.

No, instead I sit back once more and relax. What is this lack of motivation? Why am I being so lethargic when there's so much to do? I'm not even feeling panicky about the upcoming art show. I am enjoying the sensation of quiet peace. My heart is open and my mind is a blank space waiting patiently to be filled.

Maybe I'll just allow myself to sit back and feel this way. After all, how often does this happen? I'm just going to enjoy this morning...

Snow is falling

as if it has a purpose

Fluffy flakes are not floating

but are dropped from a

seamless gray sky

Even the blue jays

are silent this morning

as if they are afraid

of disturbing

the thoughtfulness

of the snowfall

The ground has become

pristine once more

the trees donning white pearls

layer upon layer

until the branches are laden

and the earth echoes

a muffled heart beat

I sit here in my comfort

watch a few soft flakes

tap at the window

as if calling me to play

but I will not disturb

the peacefulness

of the moment

I will not

leave my chair

until the end

of day

when

with shovel in hand

I'll make careful

pathways

through

time