Somehow I have lost a connection within myself. For a person who had to write in order to feel alive, I am dry as of late. I still journal every day but that is only two pages these past few weeks. Oh, I still do some articles as I write for the snowmobile club and submit an article or two to sunacom.com e-newsletter, but the more creative writing style of mine fell asleep.
I promised my writing group that I’d be back on board after the summer and fall of doing a few art shows but I’ve not come up with anything and now another week is over and group meets on Saturday and there’s not even an inkling of stirring in my writer’s soul.
Talked to a friend yesterday who said she checked my blog and was surprised to find no recent writings, which makes me wonder about what’s going on within me. If I let myself think and sink down into my feelings, I realize I put up barriers to block feeling. With all the drama around my mother’s failing health, I am trying very hard to keep myself in check. My emotions run rampant in worry, despair, anger, and depression. The only way to keep any semblance of sanity and not lose myself in negativity is to block feeling… and I can’t write if I don’t feel.
That doesn’t mean I’m successful at this ploy. I’m not writing nor am I doing other artwork besides a few photographs. My belief system holds that to be alive, you must be creative and I’ve shut the creative side down. Creativity comes from feelings and if I am blocking feelings, I am unable to ignite the spark and right now I don’t know if I am willing to blow on the ashes.
If I fan the flames and the creative fires roar within, then I’ll be susceptible to the pain. It’s an immense struggle to maintain calm and I often do not do very well. I give in to the anger when it roars and then I despair fearing I will never find compassion for my mother. That’s not fair to her, nor is it fair to me.
I shut down. The entire month of December, I gave in to the depression. That’s why I got sick. It was a wake-up call and even in this moment, I am not sure what I’m going to do about it. I’ve always felt I had to block myself off from my mother and I realize that the years of living together went well while my aunt was present to run interference. I remember my mother trying to run my aunt’s life and I was glad I could get away. With my aunt in a home, I am the one being run and I fight it tooth and nail even though I give in more often than not.
I need to fight the despair. Ma’s personal issues don’t have to drag me down. She chose the isolation and although I value privacy and solitude, I also recognize the importance of going out in the world. It’s easy to stay home if I don’t have to go anywhere but it’s necessary to push myself to go out. A lot of inspiration comes from being off on an adventure… even if it’s just going to get groceries.
Yes, I know I can blame my mother for a lot of things, but the reality is that I am also the one who chooses. I chose to be here with her in her decline. I decide to stay home or go out. I am the one who makes my decisions and it is time to become more active in my personal and art life.
Let the New Year begin!