CHALLENGES AND HEALING

Please bear with me on this writing. I am "thinking" and pulling thoughts together, so this might not be a finished piece.

I am faced with some kind of challenge every day and sometimes my frustration levels make me pull back and go into hiding. Still, I have to face them. Today, for instance, I cannot get into Outlook Express to check my e-mails and when I am working with deadlines, it puts me behind schedule. I did some updates and took the time while waiting to clean my bathroom. Back to the computer and I still couldn't check e-mails. Perhaps it's tds and I am just not meant to do that today. That has happened before and the next day everything is fine.

Oh, I know, you will tell me that challenges will make one strong and I do realize that is true. I have pared my life down in an effort to be more relaxed and spontaneous, but darn, I am still butting my head against the wall. Maybe it is part of the human condition. One Buddhist belief is that we are here to suffer and it sure seems like that way sometimes.

But I refuse to bow down to the "oh, woe is me" syndrome. I am not going to let myself feel like everything goes wrong. I am determined to celebrate life!

However, issues do need to be addressed. Sweeping problems under the rug is never the answer, so I want to look at what it means to face daily challenges and how I go about dealing with them. I am constantly asking myself (or the Universe) questions and many times will receive answers in one form or other.

If I break it down, the issues don't appear to be the same. Today, it's Outlook Express, yesterday it was trying to get lint off of plexiglass to frame my drawings, earlier it was dealing with my mother's failing memory, the night before was uplifting someone who is going through a hard time, or shoveling snow, et. al. It's as if the moment I deal with one thing, something else will come along to get in my face.

I like to think that most of the time I do very well. One thing I have learned about myself is that my first reactions are often... negative... although I like to think that I don't let that out. (Oh, sometimes I do...) I know that I have to step back and let the situation be for a bit, to sleep on it. Then I am able to cope with my reaction and the issue.

That doesn't always work, though. No matter how hard a negative reaction is held back, part of it leaks through. If the person you are dealing with is sensitive, they will pick up on that attitude and most of the time, I don't want that to happen. There are times when all a person will remember is that initial reaction and I can come across as unfriendly and stand-offish.

On the other hand, if we hold back, are we being untrue to ourselves? This is where diplomacy and good communication comes in. There are many times when I'd have less stress over a situation if I simply asked for clarity. I'm getting to know myself well and in the effort to respect others, it is sometimes better to back off and let them be and that doesn't mean being untrue to the self.

In dealing with any challenge, it is important that I know my truth. I can listen to someone and in my heart disagree, but I can be open enough to allow them their say... and if a situation should get to the point where I cannot do that, then it is time for me to leave. Other daily challenges, such as when I cannot do something the way I want it done, I have to just step back and give myself time to figure it out. I will ask questions of others and wait til I am comfortable enough to work with it again.

What is most interesting are some of the thoughts that stir when faced with these challenges. Perhaps that is the real reason that the difficulties come up. I have to THINK, take a bigger picture and sometimes narrow it down--- deep down. Then once I come to terms with that issue, I can broaden my focus once again and when I am able to do that, I almost always have more clarity and better vision. I will feel more at peace because I have dealt with a situation and come out whole. SOME kind of healing will have taken place.

And thus I have babbled this morning. There's much more to this subject, but for now, I am done. Eventually I bring together a more concise and meaningful piece. I hope you enjoy and will tell me your thoughts about challenges and healing from them.

Thank-you.

Seven a.m. and the sky is a brilliant pink with an orchid colored background; absolutely gorgeous! I love this time of day before sunrise when the colors of dawn are awakening the day.

There was a knocking on the door 7 o'clock last night. It was Fed-X. My framing kits arrived. Yea! I can finally get my drawings finished and hung on the walls. Hey, I may even be able to sell two or three... or four or... Oh, I've had such an issue with this phase of my work, but I am determined that this year I shall get the pieces I like the best framed. I am so excited.

But playing with the kits will have to wait til after Tai Chi class. I hope I got the sizes right... but if not, I can always do a drawing to fit.

Wish me luck.

HEALING WORK AND SELF DOUBT

"I wish everyone would do it like I do it," she said. Immediately my defenses went up. I want to do it "my way" and I have spent a lot of years developing "my way." Yet, I have to consider her words. She's not the only one to have made that statement and if we are to support one another, these issues need to be considered. We all have our opinions and beliefs and those must be honored.

One of my gifts is that I can see both sides, so once I am able to get past my initial reaction to a statement, I am able to look at what's going on around it. I had to recognize that this is an area where I can be stubborn--- which is a sarcastic ha ha considering the belief in being open. I have to look at this further and what I realize is that it is about self doubt.

We are very passionate in what we do. On one hand, we say we are open, but in our hearts, we believe that we have found the way. However, doubts are there. They creep in silently. Suddenly, we are wondering if we are doing it right. Maybe so and so has the real answer and we should be doing it her way or maybe we are stubborn and want others to do it like us or everyone could become like me and insist on doing it in her own style refusing even to try someone else's way.

I don't think there's any ONE true way. We all find our own paths and no one does it exactly the same as the next. Even two people doing Reiki will eventually develop their own styles. There will be similarities in what one another does, but other individual factors will develop.

The self doubts pop out when we are alone. Oh, perhaps I should have done it differently. Maybe I'm not really helping my client. I could be disillusioned or crazy or, or, OR... a FRAUD!

This is one of the reasons for getting together as a group. We can help eachother, tell each how wonderful she is, and experience what one another is doing. If our intent is pure and we genuinely want to help others, then we cannot allow ourselves to think we are doing anything wrong! We are not.

I believe that when I put my hands (or mind) out to work on someone, something else takes over. Yes, I have training in multiple disciplines, but it isn't just that. There's something more, something greater. The moment we set ourselves up to do healing on a person we are opening the door to that greater healing power--- whether we call it God, Spirit, Universal Healing or whatever--- that comes through us and somehow mixes with our technical training. We have all discussed how we "know" certain things and that is that something greater coming through.

What right have we to doubt that?

Yet, that's what we do everytime we have uncertainties whether we have done the right thing. If we doubt ourselves, we are doubting the spirit that moves within us; we are doubting the healing that channels through us.

Yes, we are human beings and we do make mistakes in life, but I 100% believe that when we are open to Spirit and doing a healing, it is more than just us. We have to trust in that Spirit and allow that what happens with that client is between Spirit and that client. We are only a channel, only a tool for Spirit to use in healing. We are not personally responsible for the health of the client. We are only doing the best we can to help. That's all we CAN do. Anything else isn't up to us.

So what do we do when the doubts creep into our brains? I have to keep reminding myself to trust in the Spirit... and it sometimes is a physical effort to do so. I have to STOP my thinking pattern at that point and force myself to think of other things. I have to busy myself doing something. It's important, too, to call on a friend or fellow healer. Sometimes a word or two from a friend will help us get back on track. That's what we do. We help one another... and in doing so, can help ourselves.

Had an awesome Healers' meeting last night in which one of my Tai Chi students volunteered to come in for a group healing. The energy was incredible! The group is getting stronger as we use each other's talents to make ourselves strong.

We are a small group. We do Reiki, EFT, Chakra Clearings, Tai Chi, and massage to name a few. The group is basically a sharing of information and techniques. It's also a place where we can talk about our lives and get support.

It's an open atmosphere and the conversation may be about spirit, disease, or coping with what life offers. We've done some shamanic drumming and journeying, Tai Chi dance, and foot and hand massages. Future plans include having a medicine man teach us about the thirteen color medicine wheel as another healing tool.

They wanted someone to do the newsletter, but as I am not an avid snowmobiler, I struggle with finding my own words and have to rely on what others tell me and by the notes I take at the meetings. It stretches my creativity levels as many of the words are kind of foreign sounding to my ears. They talk about Tuckers and groomers and drags. They mention particular trails and conditions and they bring up names of people I've not met.

But I love to write and I agreed to the task. I'm glad to help and hope that it won't get too overwhelming and take too much time from my other work. I've never been much for volunteering, so perhaps this will be my way of giving back.

What is it about writing that draws me? Why do I prefer colored pens over telephones? One reason is that I can do it on my own time. Most of the time, I don't have to rely on someone else's input and can let the words fall from my thoughts. Writing is a way of avoiding direct contact. Not that there's anything wrong with direct contact, it's that I get distracted and won't say or won't get to say everything I would like to. Sometimes when I am face to face with someone, emotions will get in the way of speech and the mind and throat will choke.

I do my morning journaling with colored pens. Color is a celebration! I am a pen fanatic and I buy a set of pens at least once a month whether I need them or not. I particularly like gel pens--- when they work. It seems, however, that at least one in a set doesn't write well and no matter what I do, it will still skip and not be smooth.

For years, I hand wrote all my articles before putting my hands on the keyboard. I still struggle with reading the screen, but these days I do more writing directly on the computer (except for my journaling.) Oh yes, I am learning to take the shorter, quicker route.

Poetry still must be handwritten first. There is something about the act of writing that brings forth that type of creativity. Perhaps it is being bent over the page as compared to sitting straight up. It's certainly a different kind of energy that comes with a poem--- almost feels like poems evolve from another part of the brain; right brain, left brain kind of thing.

Anyway, such as it is. These are my thoughts today.

I thought this was my dream house. I thought I wouldn't ever want to move again. Once more when I've thought "I've arrived" I find I am only on a stepping stone to the next place.

Oh, don't get me wrong, this place is really nice and the views are fabulous! It's just that I'd like a little more privacy. When we bought this place, I didn't realize that the field 30 feet from the back door was a snowmobile trail. I didn't realize that there'd always be people walking by--- which I don't really mind--- except when their dogs come in the yard and eat the food we put out for the birds.

I know people aren't really looking in the windows but it feels that way and when the snowmobiles ride back and forth, I feel intruded upon by the presence and the noise, and when the lights shine in the window at night, I really feel my privacy is invaded and that we are on display.

So this has become another lesson in learning what I want. I certainly don't regret moving here. I love looking across the field to the mountains. I love the peacefulness of the area (except when snowmobiles are zooming past.) What's really ironic is that there are particular things I wanted in a house, but because I fell in love with this property, I did not pay attention to the other.

Do I have regrets? No, of course not. I made a decision for that time. I could have done things differently. I could have held off and not been so impatient to move. That's all water under the bridge. We came here and that was good. Now it is time to start thinking about another move. There's time to plan. We'll need to wait for the economy to come up.

Plus I need to consider that the next move might be without Ma and I am NOT ready for that! I am not ready to be alone. Maybe that's why I am being disillusioned about this property. Maybe I am being prepared. I really don't want to think about that. I'm not willing to let her go yet nor is she really ready to go.

For this moment, though, I need to move on. Didn't mean to sound...down, this morning. I'm not really. Just thinking and preparing. 'Course I do have to wonder if I should continue unpacking and setting up my studio... Yeah, because then it could be better organized when the time comes to pack it back up. Who knows, I may even accomplish something great before then.

What's in a dream house?

What are you preparing for?

Sometimes when I have so much to do I feel overwhelmed. I have to pull back and remind myself that it's okay to take small steps. I don't have to accomplish everything now. It's not going to happen anyway so why worry about it. In these times I just keep telling myself that I will be satisfied with whatever I get done.

I have my writing group this morning and my focus has to turn away from the self. The wind is whipping snow squalls around the house and across the fields and I am wishing I did not have to go out. I can easily get lost in looking out the window but even the birds are silent this morning. Perhaps they are staying in their cozy warm beds. Do birds have cozy warm beds?

Copies are made and critiquing is done. Pretty soon I'll have to move from this spot. I'm just about out of coffee anyway and I like to have my morning two cups. Today the first was Gloria Jeans Butter Pecan and I am thinking I'll have Van Houttes Creme Broulee for the second. Yummy. Since Adam introduced me to Keurig K-cups, I totally enjoy coffee!

Other thoughts that are on my mind this morning are about organizing and selling my notecards and poetry cards. I also have a bunch of photos on the camera that need to be downloaded. These are the shots of birds I've been working on and the latest are of the owl that has become Nelson's mascot. Those should make some nice cards.

And thus I babble on. Killing time because I don't have time to get involved in any project. I am still hoping to get into dialogue with others and have people respond to my postings. Though why they would want to respond to this drivel is anyone's guess. But I put the intent out there and I invite correspondence to mainly talk about life journey, healing, and the arts.

I am a simple spider sending a vibration along the unseen web calling to like minds...

I'm working hard at getting myself organized. So many times I feel I cannot get anything new accomplished because I've not finished off past work. Three years of living in this house and I still don't have my studio set up completely. But I'm getting there!

I suppose it could be said that it's because I don't stick to one thing. Gosh, how can I when there's so many interesting things to do? I have all kinds of ideas for projects from photography, painting, charcoal drawing, and creating multi-media pieces from things that I find. And that's not including my writing!

I try to be different. I don't want to do what everyone else is doing. However, I'm at the point now where I need to be getting something back for what I've spent in supplies, but I'm really struggling with promoting myself. I love to do the work and I don't mind showing it off, but to sell it is another story and not a strong point.

I suppose you could say that I self-sabotage myself. I don't always FINISH a project. When it comes to mounting, matting, and framing, I fall apart. I've bought the tools, but can't cut a straight line to save my life! I tried to buy cheap frames--- and found you get what you pay for.

But this year I am determined! I have given up trying to do the framing myself. I don't have to do everything. I am currently waiting for a shipment of framing materials so that I can finally call my charcoal drawings finished. I am working on a new website so that I can sell some of my works and I am making notecards using the photos I have taken.

I am making progress and I am pleased. However, I have come against another issue and that is my writing and computer space is on the second floor where I have a nice view of field and mountains, but my studio is in the basement. The writing isn't much affected, but the photography can be because if I print something up here, by the time I get it to the studio to frame it, I've lost the vision of my plan.

Another issue with this set up is that I also do my healing work in this room which, even though there is a room screen, this space can look pretty messy and both areas are a bit cramped. I don't want to move the work space downstairs, though, because I love watching night turn to day. The pre-dawn is my favorite time.

What this comes down to is that I will continue to work in this fashion for the time being. I am constantly making improvements and I celebrate every small step. I am making progress. And as long as I am doing so, I have nothing to complain about. Yea yah.

Another cold day. At least this weather keeps my focus to these inside projects. I have so much to do: newsletter to put together, snowmobile article, and my website to update to name a few. The newsletter will be fairly easy to write and send in e-mail, but the snail mail will be tricky. This will be my first time at that and I've never made address labels before. The other article I can put off for another week.

The website is the hardest. I am doing a total re-vamp as my goal is to sell my art work. What makes it most difficult is that my talents are not focused in one area. I have poems and poetry cards, notecards of some of my photos, original charcoal landscape drawings, plus a few other pieces that I put together.
I am not very business minded and really struggle in the pricing of my art work and the promoting of the projects. Oh, I enjoy sharing the poems and showing off my accomplishments, but I am not good at getting anyone to buy. I am at the stage in my life now where I must push forward. I can't do any more work until I move what I have.


Even doing this blog is taking time away from something else, but I want to do this. Yes, it's another learning experience as I fight to figure out how this all works, but in the long run, it will be beneficial. I am hoping to meet other artists and writers as sharing life stories can be very inspiring. I like hearing about what others do and how they handle their situations.

And now I must get ready for my Tai Chi students.

The following is something I wrote last year. I do healing work--- along with teaching Tai Chi, writing, photography, and art. I struggle with titles and I've finally reached the point where I can comfortably call myself writer, photographer, and artist, but...

Please feel free to tell me how you've struggled with leadership and teaching.

GIVE THEM A REASON

"Give them a reason and feedback about how they can achieve what they seek.

Find out what they need and give it to them," Kate advised.

When I was told this, I felt a revelation. It's not like I haven't known this, but I have an issue with trying to make anyone do anything. However, hearing it said thusly, my mind ran on, Yes, Yes! Then I stopped to ask myself why haven't I been doing this all along?

I have run many successful classes and a couple that weren't so good. I have agonized over why one group works and the next doesn't. People have often told me that I am a wonderful teacher, but the doubts ask, If I am so wonderful, why don't they come back?

My style has always been to provide the information then leave it up to the people to work it out. I wanted them to explore their own paths. I've never wanted to tell people what to do for fear they will question my authority or training. I don't want them to doubt or ridicule me. I've never pushed them to practice, so they don't and what I realized from my friend's comment was that by acting in this manner, I am not taking responsibility for what I preach. I tell people what the learnings have done for me, but I don't promote what it will do for them... guess it's from fear that if "it" doesn't happen for them, they will find fault with me.

I'm afraid to promise something that they will not follow through on. I assume they won't practice. I tried to get them to explore on their own with only basic lessons and what has happened is that they flounder. I've not wanted to call myself teacher, leader, or instructor and people won't follow someone who is indecisive. They want to be taught and led until they reach the point where they feel safe on their own.

What I have been doing is handing them a line blowing in a strong wind without having the other end tied down. That's what I have to focus on--- giving them an anchor. I have to lead them to a sturdy foundation and then they can go to the end of the rope themselves knowing they will be safe.

I have a lot of information to share and procedures to teach and in order for me to be successful, I have to take responsibility of bringing out the best of those teachings. If my beliefs are strong in what I am sharing, then I must stand up tall and exclaim, "This is what I will teach you. This is what you will accomplish." Then I must proceed to do what I promise.

I owe this to all those who have taught me.

The sky is a pale blue and the sun hasn't crested the tops of the trees. Shortly, I will be blinded and will have to put my curtains down. Ahh, it's coming, a dark orange arc rising above the snow covered evergreens. Now it is more round and still partially blocked by limbs. I am already squinting.

The robins are here. Can you believe it? January in NH and my backyard is full of robins. They are after the cherries which today are covered in ice. Between them and the cedar waxwings they will have the two trees bare within a few weeks.

Blogging is new to me. I had that initial foray when I first opened this site, but didn't keep up with it. This time I will link it to my website and hopefully open up some dialogue and thought.

I am doing this now because I have recently published a book. "My Life Isn't Flowers" is a combination of poetry, photography, and art--visit www.lulu.com to preview and/or buy.

I have been writing... forever... it feels and I can be quite introspective as I study this life I live. I am also an avid photographer and never leave home without my camera. Publishing the book has been an experience for me. I never wanted to deal with rejections so I wouldn't go the normal route and when a friend suggested I try lulu.com, I looked into it. So far, I am pleased with the results.

My goal is to share the work that I do. I believe that by telling our life stories and talking about what we learn, we can help one another heal. Even when one person responds that they like what I have written makes me feel that I've done my job.