Tuesday, February 24, 2009
DISAPPOINTMENT AND OWNING UP TO YOUR ROLE IN IT
This morning, I am thinking about how one disappointment can bring your whole world down, how one or two little instances can darken everything else. Shoulders slump, feet drag, you feel drained, and become cranky. Why has this happened and whose fault is it?
It's no one's fault. Life just hands us--- difficulties and it doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. Pressure and tension can make you vulnerable, feelings are easily hurt, and you walk on the edge of emotions where the slightest slip will cause you to fall into the abyss. Here is my current story:
Generally, life is good to me. My goal for this year has been to put myself out there with my writing and my art work. With that resolution, things began happening. I did sell some of my books which made me extremely happy. I got most the framing done on my charcoal drawings and have them hung on the walls. Each month that I do the LSSC newsletter, it gets better and goes out to more people. I am keeping up with this blog almost every day.
Sounds like things are going well, right? Yes, they are... BUT things come up that make me slip backwards and what I notice is that the slippage is due to attitude and how I am feeling in that moment. It can be caused by anything; a criticism, family issues, health, feeling overwhelmed...
Ahhh, feeling overwhelmed... hmmm, yes. Sometimes when things move, they move fast. I put myself out there and there is a good response. People liked my book, I have been asked to join a community artists group, I have taken on more LSSC responsibility because I like to write, I'm getting praise for my charcoal drawings, and the Healer's Group is growing stronger. Whew, I feel I have gone from being a total nobody to someone in demand and my head is spinning.
Then came the...bubble burst. My son called to talk about the artists date I had promised my grandson. Oops, how am I going to fit that into my busy week? I have Thursday totally clear. He can't do Thursday only Friday. Uh oh, I have Tai Chi and a healing booked. I'm only free in the afternoon and that doesn't work for me picking Vedin up in Concord.
I can't go back on my promise to my grandson so I was told that the only answer was for me to go there. I crashed. I was really looking forward to an artists day with my grandson, a one on one with his grammie. I have all the supplies here and we could have chosen what to work with. I could have brought him for a snowmobile ride and out to lunch somewhere.
Because of the circumstances, there has to be a compromise. I can't get angry at my son as we have to work within time frames of vacation and other commitments.
I should have called a couple weeks ago and arranged time. Now we have to settle for what we can get.
So now, I will pack up some drawing supplies and go to their house Friday afternoon. The choices on what I can carry are limited. We won't have a one on one as the other kids will be around. I will have to work in their environment with interfering noises. Space will be limited. I have to buck up and do it.
There is something good in this. I have not been to the house for quite awhile and will get to see the results from the renovations. I'll see the other grandsons AND I will get to see my NEW granddaughter for the first time. That's really exciting.
However, the dark cloud still hovers over me. Why is that? Okay, I have to admit there's a control issue. Yes, I did want to control the situation by having the art date here. I'm also lazy and will try to get out of going anywhere. It takes over an hour to get to their house which doesn't give much time for art after greetings and all. I also have to say that with everything going on right now, I am feeling overwhelmed and busy. I am the one that booked these appointments this week.
So, let's look at this further. Why have I let this one incident dampen my spirits? Ah, it pushes me out of my comfort zone. I like one on ones with the grandchildren because I don't like being around multiple kids. I love them all dearly but when they are all around, I get a little rattled. Plus, I am comfortable in ruts and dragging me out of the house can be difficult. I had a plan in my head of what we would do and that has been blown to bits and I have to come up with new ideas.
I am uncomfortable now, but this is all about me (and I don't like that phrase "all about me" even though it is true.) I've lost control of this week because of the appointments. There are time constraints and rules to follow and others' wishes to consider. However, I don't want to get into the "Woe is me, it's all my fault," either. Choices are made and we have to live by them. I have to shake off these feelings of disappointment and tell myself that it's all for the best. What will be, will be and speaking of appointments, I have to get ready for one now.
It's interesting, though, to look at why we feel the way we do. What sets us off in emotional upheaval and what do we do about it? Me, I write. Sometimes by looking at these issues make me see how... petty... they are. Geez, do what you have to do and get on with it, my inner voice says. Don't think about how disappointed you are, get on with being alive. Yep, I can do that.