Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I feel blank today. Not that I don't have anything on my mind, it's just that there's not really anything that flows. Time constraints are blockages to the muse. I have to put her on hold. She won't even put in an appearance--- or she will wait til I am in the middle of something, then show up. For this moment, however, I struggle to put a few words together--- how unusual is that!
Perhaps it's in self-defense. With all that is happening, and sometimes when things happen it's with a bang, my brain is saying no more. I need to re-group; get my act together which means I need to pull back and even though I can't avoid scheduled appointments, I can refuse to take on anything else at this time.
I don't like feeling this busy; makes everything in my head feel jumbled. I want to be more organized and focused and when there's too much going on, I cannot concentrate. I feel du'uh (good thing I don't drool, ha ha.)
I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. I did ask for this and I was the one who took on this schedule. I recognize when I need to step back. I'm the one who is trying to simplify life so when it gets too hectic, I will stop, but there are these things that I need to do to achieve my goals.
Maybe it goes back to my being a jack-of-all-trades because it gets me involved in too many things. It's my choice to be this way. I happen to enjoy many aspects of this life and I'm not willing to give any of it up. I have to put myself out there if I want to... be seen... have my book read... sell drawings and art work... Of course, though, I have to ask myself the question of how hard am I willing to work to achieve these goals.
The past showed dabbling and playing. I didn't make much of an effort. I let myself be lazy. (Still do.) But there's something within me that has a different drive, something that feels more refined. I am recognizing what is real talent and what is simple fooling around with objects. Perhaps, too, I am becoming more confident in these abilities that criticism doesn't sound so harsh. If I run up against a roadblock, I will look for another way around it. (It may be slow, but still, I'm looking.)
I am forging ahead. I have more determination than ever. I am willing to accept advice. Oh, I may moan and groan, but I am trudging forward. I'll take time to stop and smell the roses and I'll still enjoy the paths that I travel.
Oh, happy journeys.

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