I found this article really interesting and I've responded in the end. Forgive any faux pas for reprinting...

How Full is Your Cup?
By Michael Angier
"Wisdom is meaningless until our own experience has given it meaning."
Bergen Evans
I was trying to counsel a young man the other day who was less than receptive to taking advice.
He said he wanted help, but in fact he wanted someone to fix his problems. He said he wanted advice, but instead he wanted to be right.
Isn't it interesting when people have all the answers and no money?
Here was someone who was broke and had no job. His life wasn't working. You'd think he would be willing to learn, but sadly, this was not the case.
I'm reminded of the story of the young mystic who traveled a great distance to study at the feet of a revered sage. When the young man arrived, he proceeded to try and impress the master with how much he knew and how wise he was.
Instead of asking questions, the student went on about his beliefs and philosophies. The master listened quietly for a long while.
Finally, the student stopped talking for a few moments. The master asked his guest if he would like some tea. "Why, yes," the young man replied.
The old man began to pour the tea into his visitor's cup. But he didn't stop when the cup was full. He continued to pour as the tea over flowed into the saucer and then onto the table top where it began to run out on the floor.
"Stop!" the young man said. "The cup is full. Can't you see? It can hold no more."
"It's true," the wise one said. "We cannot put more into an already full cup. And you are like that cup. Until you empty yourself of yourself, your fullness will prevent you from learning."
To some extent, we're all a bit like the young man. We sometimes have to let go of what we think we know in order to embrace new ideas.
We're always free to pick up our old beliefs and "knowings" at a later time, but we need to be open in order to look at things in a new way.
We need to approach knowledge with the wonder and openness of a child. This way, we keep from missing important lessons and learning helpful life strategies.
It's not easy, but we can learn to suspend our beliefs in order to listen with a clear and open mind. If we do, we won't be one of those people referred to when people use the cliché, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks."
Where is your cup too full? In what instances do you close yourself off because you "already know that?" It's easy to finish someone's thoughts in your head when they are speaking.
But in doing so, you may very well miss what they have to offer because of the filters you've created.
Watch yourself over the next week and look for times when your cup is too full to learn something new. It may surprise you.
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Michael Angier, founder of SuccessNet.org, recently released the New SuccessNet Resource Book “Top Must-Have Tools, Products, Services and Resources for Running Your Business Effectively”
http://successnet.org
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Interesting, isn't it.

This has often been true for me, I will admit. Like when I first started hearing about EFT. People were saying how great it was, but I didn't want to hear it. There are times when I DO feel so full that I cannot take on any more. For me, what I have to do is work with what I have to determine what works and what doesn't and when I am not willing to do the work or practices, then I am not releasing anything to make room for some new stuff. BUT I recognize that about me.

I've not taken a lot of time to weed out the stuff that I don't need or use. Jeez, all those seminars and classes that I've taken and I have all this stuff inside me. I haven't dumped it all because a lot of it is good stuff, but then, I haven't really used it either. Maybe it is taking up space inside me and there's no room for anything new.

It's not like I can sit here and tell you everything I know. Gosh, I've forgotten most of everything I've ever learned. But if you started talking something similar, there would be something inside me saying, "Yeah, I know that," and a part of me would shut down to what you are telling me. My tea cup would be overflowing at the same time I would be shutting down. Does that make sense?

Hmmm, I wonder what all this means... and as I always admit, if I am unwilling to practice daily, how can I expect those I work with to develop a daily practice. I have learned some phenomenal healing techniques but if I don't practice I cannot teach and if I don't do that, then it is wasted and it stagnates inside blocking anything new that might come in.

There's this part of me, though, that fully believes I can take everything I've learned, pull up all that I really like and build it into a wonderful technique. Everything else I could let go. I'd like to use the Sedona Method with the EFT and meld it with the meditative movements of Tai Chi and the healing powers of hands on/massage. I would like to use aspects of other teachings to incorporate them into what I do... the Vulnerable Leadership Training, Art, Writing to Heal...
but if I am not actually doing the practices myself, how can I work it with other people?

And then, on the other hand, when I am so full of all THIS stuff, how can I take on anything else? Then again, I have to be comfortable when face to face with others to be able to talk... walk my talk. Hmm, guess I should be doing a lot of tapping, ha ha.

At least I do have a goal for this year... learning to walk my talk, promoting myself, getting my work out there to make money and whether I am talking of the healing or the art, for me, it's one and the same.

A BEAUTIFUL SPRING MORNING

The sun rises in a pale sky. The crescent moon now hides. Birds chirp their happy songs… the harmony broken by the discordant squawk of a blue jay. Frost lies on the field grasses and the water in the bird bath is frozen. Soon, though, the sun’s warmth will transform the day.
Early flowers are blossoming in others’ gardens while here it is slow. With my yard surrounded by trees, the sun only penetrates for a few hours. I’ve been raking and my body is suffering the strain of unusual activity. The results are worth it and the discoveries found after removing leaves and debris are exciting.
I was never much of a gardener and since moving here, my attempts are sporadic. This property is too big for me to maintain alone and I have to rely on help from good friends. Still, I love the plants and flowers. I am amazed how the growth can change day to day and I try to walk around every day taking note of the colors bursting forth.
The lawn isn’t as green and vibrant as when we first moved in three years ago but yesterday’s raking has given it new life. I was surprised that a short time after clearing the area, the ground looked more green.
There’s holes… tunnels… Does this mean something will be getting to my flowers? I know we have grubs and the soil probably needs some good fertilizer.
Yes, I like my gardens and enjoy the colors and fragrances of flowers, but most the time, I’d rather be inside. Since living here, I have been making a gardening journal. Each year it has evolved, as has the garden. Every week or two, I take pictures and notes then put them together in an album. It’s quite interesting to mark the growth from shoots first bursting from the ground til the plant goes to seed.
Some of the gardens are old and overrun by day lilies, lilacs, and vinca. Division is definitely needed. I’ve done a little but get distracted easily. Then there are new flowers to buy and plant and another garden area to develop. One of my goals is to turn areas where the grass doesn’t grow well into flower gardens. I’d much rather have flowers than areas to mow.
And right now, the beauty of the morning is calling. Perhaps I’ll go against norm of writing and picture work and head outside early.

HEALING AND HONORING THE SELF


My mind has been jumping trying to decide how to proceed, who to call, and do we drop everything when someone needs a healing. It's funny how things seem to happen at once. One minute I feel I don't have much of a life, then the next minute I am feeling bogged down with so much going on.

I've been getting some feedback from all of you and what is coming to me this morning is that we are all on a learning curve. These past couple months, few weeks, have brought us different and not so different concepts. We are having our... selves... challenged and tossed around. Some of it excites us, some of it makes us uncomfortable, some it scares the whey out of us, and some of it makes us angry. Some of it we believe and some of it we don't.

This is spring, a place of new beginnings, and we are discovering better understandings of who we are as women and individuals. These latest teachings are having an impact on our lives and the biggest thing that is coming out for me right now is in HONORING THE SELF. This is where we make the decision of what we want to believe and what to leave behind. We know that we don't have to believe everything that is said to us and that what is true for me might not be so for you. And that is okay! We still love and respect one another.

Another thing that is coming up for me is that our Tuesday nights are VERY IMPORTANT... for us and I agree that we need to keep our time special. We need that opportunity to be and to let down and be able to have a little chance where we don't have to be totally responsible and we can cry and grieve or rant and rave. We need that time so that we can go back to family and clients with a whole heart.

One of the hardest lessons in life to learn is to set boundaries and learn to say no... then again, some of us need to learn to speak up, ha ha. (My next goal is to approach printing places to get a cheaper printing for my book--- and I have to be able to talk to them.) And even though we are a group, we don't do things the same and we don't have to. That's what's so amazing about us. I love our individual styles! I love that we have such diversity and yet come together in peace, love, and respect.

Now, in doing group healings... I said from the beginning that we don't all have to participate. It's up to each one of us to decide when she wants to and when she's able to. Sometimes too, there are people we cannot work on and we respect ourselves for that. However, I do think we should set a time when, as a group, we would be available to do a group healing--- and that's not saying you'd have to come. For Tuesday night, I'd like to come up with one or two days/evenings a month that would be set aside for group healings. That way we'd all know that there might be something coming up.

This doesn't mean that another time or instance might happen. We set our own boundaries and we have to honor ourselves for our choices. This isn't always easy because sometimes we want to do something and just cannot...
and we have to honor that, too. I know from personal experience that it's hard not to beat yourself up.

So, in closing, I just want to remind everyone to be true to yourselves. When new teachings resonate with you, take it in. If something doesn't, then it doesn't. You know what works for you and what doesn't. Honor yourself.
We are growing and getting better all the time.

SUICIDE

She ended it. A finality that shook family and friends to the core. While most everyone reels from the impact, the "how could she," or "what could I have done," my focus goes to her. What drives someone to that point? How far can someone fall before they are unable to get up? Where is the line beyond which there is no help?

While some are quick to fault, I feel a sadness. I've only known a couple of people who have taken their own lives but there's a part of me that totally understands how they could reach that point. There was a time in my life where I thought about it... a lot, but I was fortunate enough to have family close by... or perhaps it was some inner strength that drove me to find a way through my own personal despair.

I'm not saying that the ones who take their own lives are weak. We all have our own crosses to bear and we all need help in one way or another. Maybe sometimes there IS no other way... for them. When the end of the rope is reached and all options have been tried and there is no one to turn to or authority denies proper help, what does one do? When one falls so far into the chasm that they cannot get out or accept what is available and all strength and desire are gone... what then?

I believe there is a point of no return... or no return without desperate measures like hospitalization and all. But how can someone be "saved" before that point? Then, too, that person has to want to be helped and they have to do the work. Sometimes, people are unwilling or they just... can't. If you are in that position of witnessing another's downward spiral, there's only so much you can do. Mostly, it is up to that person to help themself.

A good friend of mine explained mental health as chemical reactions in the brain and when there's an imbalance, the person afflicted cannot help themselves. My friend told me that in these cases, people need medical intervention. It seems to me that in today's society this is becoming a huge issue and I struggle to understand why so many people are quick to get the drugs. There are even commercials on tv now to convince people that if they are unhappy and depressed, that they can get these magic pills. (Well, you know my magic pill theory.)

Perhaps...evidently... I wasn't really suicidal when I was younger even though I was terribly unhappy and planned ways of doing it. Maybe there was just a strong will to live within me that kept me from doing it. It could simply be that I decided that I wanted to be happy and was going to find a way to accomplish that. Perhaps there are no real reasons why some people have to end their lives by their own hands, but it is a part of life and something that makes us take stock of our own.

When I've talked to people who are depressed, I've noticed they are often stuck. They reach a point where they are unwilling to listen to advice. Sometimes it even seems there's a part of them that LIKES being miserable. Misery does feed on itself and will keep doing so until you say STOP!!!

Deciding on happiness or despair is a choice; it can be a hard choice, but still a choice. It takes practice and it is work! If bad luck seems to be your friend, it's time to find new ones. When the mind's patterns are always keyed in on everything that goes wrong, it's time to change the way you think. We are so willing to do physical exercises to keep the body in shape, but mental exercises to keep you mentally vibrant and alive are just as important.

I decided I wanted to be happy and began researching and experimenting. I read books, took seminars, changed careers and have tried to simplify my life. I found out that if I want to be happy, I had to MAKE myself happy. I had to focus on the things I liked to do and stop relying on someone else to tell me who I was and what to do or be. It hasn't been easy and there are times when I feel like I am kicking and screaming but I know the direction I am going is for my own good. And I am happy.

One of the things I began working with early on is writing and the use of words. If one word didn't quite fit, what other word could I use. For instance, in the beginning, I wasn't sure that I could ever say I was "happy," but what I could let myself feel was joy, simple joy. When I took a walk on the beach after a miserable day at work ... the feel of the sand beneath my feet, the sound of the waves rolling across the rocks, or the fresh smell of the salt air...my heart would be filled with such joy. I could live with that joy.

And so I grew mentally and spiritually. Through the books, seminars, and other training, I had to go outside myself to find my way back into myself. Then finding that I had to be IN myself to find true happiness. During a Tai Chi class the other day, someone asked if in focusing so much on the self might it cause you to be selfish and narrow minded.

There's a big difference between being self-centered and focusing on the self for health. With meditations, yoga, Tai Chi or other healing techniques, the focusing into self also creates a greater openness and compassion for all life. Selfishness is not genuine self-love, but is fear based, whereas centering and grounding in the self is a love and acceptance that radiates outward to all other things. Simply put, "You have to love yourself before you can truly and totally love others." Then your heart will be so full of love that it bubbles over. You will love with great joy and it will be a love you WANT to give and not one you feel you have to.

Attitude, attitude, attitude... and I'm not talking about people who "have an attitude"... but it's about having a positive, healthy attitidue. For instance, every day when I get up, I tell myself, "What a beautiful day!" and I let myself see it as such no matter what the weather or what is planned for the day. When I look in the mirror, I won't allow myself to go "ugh" but will allow that I have a beauty about me. If something upsets me, as soon as I can get calm, I will tell myself something like, "Isn't that interesting that I had that reaction..." and if someone pushes my buttons, I will turn it into, "wow, he must be really unhappy to want to make someone else feel bad." At the end of the day, I say gratitude prayers for my life and for those around me.

Now, I'm not saying I'm perfect. Oh, no no no. I have my moments of impatience and orneriness (I like the word, ornery.) I get angry and feel like throwing temper tantrums (I can visualize that little girl inside of me stamping her foot with her arms crossed in front of her chest and screaming "I won't.") I want everything to go MY way, of course, and when it doesn't, my feelings are often hurt. And I could go on...

But after my bouts of ... my mother calls it normal-ness... I am able to focus on centering and grounding and peace returns to my heart.

Because I have all this... knowledge... within me now, I can view despair and misery with an open heart. I feel more compassion for those who do not know what true happiness is. I've been there and once in awhile still go there but at least I know the way out. I count my blessings every day. My heart cries for those who are lost.

Check out www.poetrypoem.com/sashapoems for the one I wrote this morning about suicide.

May you walk in beauty today and everyday.

DEADLINES, PROCRASTINATION, AND LOTS TO DO

Here I am again near the end of another month and my mind is racing with all the things that I need to do. I cannot do things ahead of time. There's something about being in the moment. Newsletter articles are held off in case more information comes in. I've put off cleaning out the copy machine although I did finally contact the company about an owners manual (was told that it is not available but I was able to download directions on how to change the toner.)

As I've said many times, my work energy is in the mornings as long as I am able to avoid interruptions and contact with anyone. Once I am distracted, I am unable to focus further. I sometimes wonder if I took a nap after lunch would I be more ambitious in the afternoons. If I pushed myself harder, I would accomplish more but when the moment comes, I make the choice to play a game with Ma or sit and read.

Lately my mornings have been scheduled with other appointments. Ma has had doctors' appointments and I've had to do shopping. Unfortunately, what put me further behind this week was that I had to make a second run to Concord to make an exchange and that trip turned into an all day affair.

Deadlines, deadlines... I'm not too worried about the news articles. I can do them up fairly quickly once I sit down to write them. However, I do have to make a phone call to get information on a story and that'll be a challenge. The major event this coming week is to have the drawings and photographs for the art show ready to hang. I haven't done the little write ups to go with each picture, yet, and looking at my schedule, all the mornings but Sunday and Thursday are taken up. Uh, oh.

What about this week's writing group? Oh, I am not prepared and instead of doing this blog, I should have taken the time to do that... but I am somehow feeling I need a little break from writing. It happens.

The Healers Group has been busy, too, and is growing. We are talking about starting another group; keeping our Tuesday nights as our healers' support group and opening another day/night to do group healings and teaching.

The brush pile is also on my mind. Snow is melting quickly and that pile needs to be burned. I am not looking forward to that. It makes me very nervous as the pile is quite large and I will not do it alone. Last year, the burn smouldered for a long time and I was very uncomfortable. I worry that it will get away or that the smoke will bother the neighbors.

It needs to be taken care of soon. With the melting going on, all the limbs that came down this past December from the ice storm have made the yard a mess. That needs to be cleaned up before I can rake or start working with plants and the debris cannot be added to the current brush pile.

You know, though, I look through this rambling and laugh at myself. If this is all I have to worry about, life is pretty darn good! I look out the window at the bare ground and my feet want to be out there. When I get downstairs and see the snowbank I'd have to crawl over... guess the bare spots will wait a few more days. Maybe I'll even pick up the phone today and put in a call to ask about a fire permit.

EXPANDED HEALING

Our healing group is really taking off. The bi-weekly Tuesday night meetings have evolved into weekly and we have had a couple of occasions where we've met with a Native American healer. I don't know whether to call him shaman or medicine man. I'm not fond of titles because they seldom say the whole truth and I am not sure that he even uses those terms.

We are all very excited. The group is helping us explore various healing techniques and giving opportunity to work on each other so we can hone our skills. I particularly love that we can talk about anything and our conversations can range from daily stressors to spirit guides... whatever. For some, this is a totally new experience and for others, it is validation for things we have always felt.

While the group is expanding spiritually, we have had to limit size. It is important that each person has a chance to speak and when a group gets too many members, some people take over while others get stuck in the background. This makes our Tuesday nights just for us. It's been a hard decision to tell others that they cannot join us.

However, this does not mean that we are limiting ourselves. We have been doing some group healings and while these early stages have been working on each other, there are plans to work with others. We all have clients or know someone who would benefit and it's been decided that we could use another time to work on someone outside the core group.

This past weekend we were taught to shapeshift to travel to another place to do a healing on someone who was in need. Afterwards we placed a call to the woman and she was raving about how much better she felt. Very interesting and exciting.

One thing that SW really advocates is prayer before and after a healing. I usually remember before the client shows up, then will remember to say one once I start working, but I seldom do one in the end. I'll set up the intent when I begin a healing by calling on good healing spirits and opening myself to the Light, but to actually pray before and after... Yes, I want to bring that aspect into my work.

FINDING MOTIVATION

There's a lot to accomplish this month, but today I cannot seem to be able to get out of my own way. Instead of keeping busy, I am spending moments in quiet contemplation... then again, I'm not even contemplating much, my mind is not full of its usual chatter. For once I could sit in meditation and not have a war of words going on in my head.

I could be working on the printer. I've done the cleanings, but there are still lines across the pictures and the big printer that belongs to the LSSC is full of toner and I'm not looking forward to cleaning that. Guess that got all jarred in the moving. I have to get to it soon because I have responsibilities. Even in thinking about this, I sit back and let my mind go blank; I've probably done it at least five times while writing this one paragraph.

This is highly unusual for this time of the morning. I'm usually running at full speed by 7:30 and wouldn't be winding down til 9:30-10:00 a.m. Today however, I lean back in the chair and let the warmth of the sun permeate my soul. I feel at peace even though I know I should be very busy. Am I over tired? I didn't go to bed til after 11 last night and was still up by 5:30 a.m.

Maybe I should allow myself to revel in these feelings of peacefulness. Perhaps, for once, I should go down to the studio and do some art work. I started a new charcoal drawing the other day. I've also been thinking about the material and how I've been planning to make small medicine bags. I could finish setting up the healing room as I've moved it down stairs because there is more space for group healings.

No, instead I sit back once more and relax. What is this lack of motivation? Why am I being so lethargic when there's so much to do? I'm not even feeling panicky about the upcoming art show. I am enjoying the sensation of quiet peace. My heart is open and my mind is a blank space waiting patiently to be filled.

Maybe I'll just allow myself to sit back and feel this way. After all, how often does this happen? I'm just going to enjoy this morning...

Snow is falling

as if it has a purpose

Fluffy flakes are not floating

but are dropped from a

seamless gray sky

Even the blue jays

are silent this morning

as if they are afraid

of disturbing

the thoughtfulness

of the snowfall

The ground has become

pristine once more

the trees donning white pearls

layer upon layer

until the branches are laden

and the earth echoes

a muffled heart beat

I sit here in my comfort

watch a few soft flakes

tap at the window

as if calling me to play

but I will not disturb

the peacefulness

of the moment

I will not

leave my chair

until the end

of day

when

with shovel in hand

I'll make careful

pathways

through

time

SHORTCUTS

My mother said I was lazy. Well, what kid likes chores or picking up after themselves. She'd send me to my room and I'd pick up a book to put away and end up sitting down to read it. Didn't matter that I'd read it a number of times. Duties, responsibilities, chores... you name it, I didn't want to have anything to do with it.

As I grew older, I buckled down under what had to be done. I had my children early and they were pretty much out of the nest by the time I reached 30. It was about then that I really started realizing who I was and I started reaching out beyond my narrow world. I wanted to get out of the factory and do something more with my life. My dreams grew.

I listened to lots of audio tapes and read many self help books. I went to massage school and took various classes and seminars. I studied and became certified to teach Healing Tao so that I could teach Tai Chi. I rebuilt my self from bits and pieces of all of that which fueled the fires in my soul.

BUT... I didn't want to do things as I was taught. There always seemed to be such rigamarole. My mother wanted me to be a painter, but I refused to follow the classic styles. I soon became disillusioned with massage because of state pettiness with licensing. I loved Tai Chi, but wasn't interested in past history or traditions. I just couldn't immerse myself in one discipline!

What did that mean? That meant I didn't want to play by someone else's rules. I couldn't follow only one belief system. There are so many good techniques and ideas out there, how can I narrow myself down to one formula? When I moved out of my narrow world, I REALLY opened up!

I began taking bits and pieces of what I believed and developed my own style. I took various healing techniques and created my own routine. My art work became a combination of mediums. I chose one of the Tai Chi forms that I'd learned and worked deeper. Then I began weaving one discipline into another.

I am not a traditionalist. I don't care what happened hundreds of years ago in China or that the particular form came from so and so. What I want to know is how the movements can help in our lives today, here where we are now, in this country. I mean no offense to the traditionalists, but I am not Chinese and never will be, so what I have done is to take the style and create my own form of teaching it.

I take shortcuts. Okay, as Americans most of us want the quick and easy. If it works, why not? I tell my students the intricacies, those things that I figured out on my own. I talk about things that I had been told was only for "advanced students." I want my students to love Tai Chi and make it part of themselves for the rest of their lives. I've seen too often that when it takes too long to "get it," a person will go off and find something else where they will get a more immediate reward.

There's nothing wrong with shortcuts if the end result is positive. I also believe in promoting creativity and individual style. I will teach a more traditional move, but if a person's body style, age, or illness prevents them from doing it accurately, I'm not going to tell them they are wrong. We can adapt the form; after all, we are not in competition. What matters is the movement of energy and working towards better health.

Maybe it's because I enjoy many avenues of life that I look for shorter routes so that I can move on to other things. There's some constants in my life--- Tai Chi, writing, art, healing--- but because I do have fun with so much, I don't want to narrow myself. I take a little of this, some of that, and maybe a bit more of this over here. I pull in the ideas that resonate with me and leave behind that which doesn't ring true.

Mostly though, I feel I have so much within me, that I need to work on it awhile before I "learn" anything new... and not that I'm not learning. It's just that I can learn so much from what I already know. Take Tai Chi, for instance, and again, no offense to the teacher, but we would learn one form after another. You wouldn't even get a chance to really WORK with one form before another would be taught. Sure, you could say, "I know eight Tai Chi forms," but what good is that if you haven't gone deep and really learned what the Tai Chi does? It's like reading book after book and when asked what you've read, you can spout off lines, but if you haven't taken the teaching into your soul, what have you really learned?

So I take the shortcuts to learn the fundamentals. Then I let it stew within and it awakens. It merges with other teachings and beliefs and develops into strengths that I can take out into the world. This is me. It's the little bits and pieces that I have gathered that have helped me discover who I really am and then I go deeper... or is it that I expand...

True enlightenment may only be two or three lifetimes away, ha ha.

NOTHING ON MY MIND? C'MON, YA GOTTA BE KIDDING.

I feel blank today. Not that I don't have anything on my mind, it's just that there's not really anything that flows. Time constraints are blockages to the muse. I have to put her on hold. She won't even put in an appearance--- or she will wait til I am in the middle of something, then show up. For this moment, however, I struggle to put a few words together--- how unusual is that!

Perhaps it's in self-defense. With all that is happening, and sometimes when things happen it's with a bang, my brain is saying no more. I need to re-group; get my act together which means I need to pull back and even though I can't avoid scheduled appointments, I can refuse to take on anything else at this time.

I don't like feeling this busy; makes everything in my head feel jumbled. I want to be more organized and focused and when there's too much going on, I cannot concentrate. I feel du'uh (good thing I don't drool, ha ha.)

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. I did ask for this and I was the one who took on this schedule. I recognize when I need to step back. I'm the one who is trying to simplify life so when it gets too hectic, I will stop, but there are these things that I need to do to achieve my goals.

Maybe it goes back to my being a jack-of-all-trades because it gets me involved in too many things. It's my choice to be this way. I happen to enjoy many aspects of this life and I'm not willing to give any of it up. I have to put myself out there if I want to... be seen... have my book read... sell drawings and art work... Of course, though, I have to ask myself the question of how hard am I willing to work to achieve these goals.

The past showed dabbling and playing. I didn't make much of an effort. I let myself be lazy. (Still do.) But there's something within me that has a different drive, something that feels more refined. I am recognizing what is real talent and what is simple fooling around with objects. Perhaps, too, I am becoming more confident in these abilities that criticism doesn't sound so harsh. If I run up against a roadblock, I will look for another way around it. (It may be slow, but still, I'm looking.)

I am forging ahead. I have more determination than ever. I am willing to accept advice. Oh, I may moan and groan, but I am trudging forward. I'll take time to stop and smell the roses and I'll still enjoy the paths that I travel.

Oh, happy journeys.

DISAPPOINTMENT AND OWNING UP TO YOUR ROLE IN IT

This morning, I am thinking about how one disappointment can bring your whole world down, how one or two little instances can darken everything else. Shoulders slump, feet drag, you feel drained, and become cranky. Why has this happened and whose fault is it?

It's no one's fault. Life just hands us--- difficulties and it doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. Pressure and tension can make you vulnerable, feelings are easily hurt, and you walk on the edge of emotions where the slightest slip will cause you to fall into the abyss. Here is my current story:

Generally, life is good to me. My goal for this year has been to put myself out there with my writing and my art work. With that resolution, things began happening. I did sell some of my books which made me extremely happy. I got most the framing done on my charcoal drawings and have them hung on the walls. Each month that I do the LSSC newsletter, it gets better and goes out to more people. I am keeping up with this blog almost every day.

Sounds like things are going well, right? Yes, they are... BUT things come up that make me slip backwards and what I notice is that the slippage is due to attitude and how I am feeling in that moment. It can be caused by anything; a criticism, family issues, health, feeling overwhelmed...

Ahhh, feeling overwhelmed... hmmm, yes. Sometimes when things move, they move fast. I put myself out there and there is a good response. People liked my book, I have been asked to join a community artists group, I have taken on more LSSC responsibility because I like to write, I'm getting praise for my charcoal drawings, and the Healer's Group is growing stronger. Whew, I feel I have gone from being a total nobody to someone in demand and my head is spinning.

Then came the...bubble burst. My son called to talk about the artists date I had promised my grandson. Oops, how am I going to fit that into my busy week? I have Thursday totally clear. He can't do Thursday only Friday. Uh oh, I have Tai Chi and a healing booked. I'm only free in the afternoon and that doesn't work for me picking Vedin up in Concord.

I can't go back on my promise to my grandson so I was told that the only answer was for me to go there. I crashed. I was really looking forward to an artists day with my grandson, a one on one with his grammie. I have all the supplies here and we could have chosen what to work with. I could have brought him for a snowmobile ride and out to lunch somewhere.

Because of the circumstances, there has to be a compromise. I can't get angry at my son as we have to work within time frames of vacation and other commitments.

I should have called a couple weeks ago and arranged time. Now we have to settle for what we can get.

So now, I will pack up some drawing supplies and go to their house Friday afternoon. The choices on what I can carry are limited. We won't have a one on one as the other kids will be around. I will have to work in their environment with interfering noises. Space will be limited. I have to buck up and do it.

There is something good in this. I have not been to the house for quite awhile and will get to see the results from the renovations. I'll see the other grandsons AND I will get to see my NEW granddaughter for the first time. That's really exciting.

However, the dark cloud still hovers over me. Why is that? Okay, I have to admit there's a control issue. Yes, I did want to control the situation by having the art date here. I'm also lazy and will try to get out of going anywhere. It takes over an hour to get to their house which doesn't give much time for art after greetings and all. I also have to say that with everything going on right now, I am feeling overwhelmed and busy. I am the one that booked these appointments this week.

So, let's look at this further. Why have I let this one incident dampen my spirits? Ah, it pushes me out of my comfort zone. I like one on ones with the grandchildren because I don't like being around multiple kids. I love them all dearly but when they are all around, I get a little rattled. Plus, I am comfortable in ruts and dragging me out of the house can be difficult. I had a plan in my head of what we would do and that has been blown to bits and I have to come up with new ideas.

I am uncomfortable now, but this is all about me (and I don't like that phrase "all about me" even though it is true.) I've lost control of this week because of the appointments. There are time constraints and rules to follow and others' wishes to consider. However, I don't want to get into the "Woe is me, it's all my fault," either. Choices are made and we have to live by them. I have to shake off these feelings of disappointment and tell myself that it's all for the best. What will be, will be and speaking of appointments, I have to get ready for one now.

It's interesting, though, to look at why we feel the way we do. What sets us off in emotional upheaval and what do we do about it? Me, I write. Sometimes by looking at these issues make me see how... petty... they are. Geez, do what you have to do and get on with it, my inner voice says. Don't think about how disappointed you are, get on with being alive. Yep, I can do that.

At times I feel we're in the middle of a hurricane. The winds are whipping around the house harder than ever. The snow bank along the walkway outside the dining room window looks to be five feet from the wind creating a huge drift. I have to go out in a little while and shovel. I'm not looking forward to it.

Got in some great snowmobiling this weekend going out both days. Adam came up with Megan on Saturday and Don and Carol showed up. Henry came over with a helmet for Megan to borrow. Turned out to have purple and pink just like her snow suit. Henry drives a 2-up so he easily carried Megan and after adjusting hats and helmet so she could see, we were ready to be off.

Took a break on Lake Todd to allow Megan a chance to drive the machine. That girl showed no fear and took off across the lake with Adam following on Carol's sled. Henry graciously let Adam take his machine so that Megan could ride with her dad. We continued on to Sutton. Megan was having a blast and when she was periodically asked if she wanted to go back, would declare, "Keep going!" We reached King Hill??? near sunset and the view was spectacular. It was an awesome ride and we were out longer than planned. Adam and Megan enjoyed themselves.

Yesterday Don and Carol came back up with her brother, Dan. Henry also joined us and we headed to the Groomer Rodeo in Washington. After trying to eat a half raw burger, we decided to make the loop through Pillsbury. Tim and Kevin joined us and that made a nice-sized group. The trail from Eccards to the Washington store was a washboard and that uncooked hamburger wasn't settling well on my stomach, but once we reached groomed trails, I was better. I was disappointed that we didn't stop on one of the ponds so I could get pictures of everyone zooming around.

All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed the riding. It was snowing quite heavily by the time we got back. As soon as the groomers get out, the trails will be awesome. For me, though, I have shoveling and snowblowing to look forward to... yea...awwww. It always looks like it'll be fun but once I get out there, ugh, especially when the wind blows the snow back onto the paths. Such as it is. We live in New England. At least it is pretty again.

OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS AGAIN

"We'd like you to do a showing at the library for April, May, and June," she said but when I also suggested a poetry reading, she was more interested in a talk with self-published authors. My poor simple brain couldn't quite grasp the intent. It's a library, why wouldn't they want a poetry reading?

Then "Art Show" hit me. Oh, my God, it's finally going to happen... and in a month! She was rattling on about photographs and how I would have to do all the hanging on April 4th and 5th. Photographs? What about charcoal drawings and notecards? She made a comment on the subjects tying together and that nothing can be sold at the library. My mind was brought up short but the chattering and near panic took over.

I calmed myself by asking what she had in mind for the self-published authors' talk and she suggested that I come up with a forum. She also told me that I needed to come up with a title for both the show and the forum and as we talked, my mind reeled.

My printer isn't working right. How am I going to print more pictures? What photographs would go with my charcoal landscapes? What about the poetry and my book? Notecards, poetry-photo cards, etc... There's so much to get ready.

I am excited and in panic. There is so much that I don't know. I'm not even sure how to hang anything... let alone have things ready to hang. I need to have titles for all my pieces with a short descriptions. I need to choose which photos I want to display, get them printed and framed. I need to come up with a display for the cards. Arrgghhhh!

A COMPLICATED LIFE

I am searching for a word... contradiction came up, but that's not correct... ah, it's complicated.

I wanted to simplify my life, drop out of things I was uncomfortable doing and concentrate more on what I liked. I began to avoid people who didn't know how to be happy and were always full of drama. I wanted to surround myself with those who worked at making their lives better and looked at situations with a positive attitude. I refused to watch the news or read the newspapers because I did not want to get caught up in all the misery of the world. I was the one who wanted to move to the mountains and become a hermit.

And so my world narrowed. Not such a bad thing, but after pulling in all the boundaries, it was time to move out again. I got out in the community a little bit. I agreed to teach Tai Chi at the Center. I became involved with a writing group. I joined the local snowmobile club, became secretary whose duties were to attend two meetings a month. Then I volunteered to write articles for the state snowmobile newspaper and put together the club's newsletter. I agreed to attend another meeting.

I enjoy what I am doing, but I have lost some of that simplicity that I tried so hard to attain. Now there are appointments to keep, meetings to attend, and deadlines to make. I decided to do the Tai Chi class twice a week and the bi-weekly healers group has become weekly. I have become responsible again for more than just myself and the days fly by. (And this isn't even mentioning any family considerations.)

So, what do I mean by responsible for more than myself? When Ma and I first moved here, my only responsibilities were to her and the house. As I said, I'd narrowed my world, but as I began to become involved with others, the focus shifted from here to out there. I made a commitment when I joined the club and became more active in other pursuits and that commitment is putting me back out into the stress filled environment I tried to get away from.

Right now, I need to be very aware of my position in this scheme of things. I am at the end of my comfort zone and becoming a member of the new artists group has me really considering this venture. However, I call myself an artist and that means I need to become part of that community. It's time to promote my work and, hopefully, this will allow future income.

I have heard, in two different instances, to "Just choose one," and "Choose one art form and stick with it." I can see the point, but I struggle with this because there are so many interesting things to do... how can anyone just choose one? When there is so much to enjoy, how can I pick only one? Maybe it's just my lot in life to be a jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none. Then again, maybe I can be a master at enjoying life with all that it throws at me.

My dream of becoming a hermit and living simply has fallen by the wayside. I can't be a hermit anyway--- I like comfort too much. Still, I can remain very aware of what I want to do and be able to say no when the need arises. Hmmm, maybe it's time to sit down and define myself again...

INTIMIDATION OR INSPIRATION

"Artists are intimidated by other artists," she said and a light bulb went off in my head. This is a subject that definitely needs some thought. Would healers be any different? Well, healing is an art and I know in our discussions, this topic has come up.

In my writing this morning, I thought about how I would feel if someone else came into the area doing charcoal landscapes. On one hand, I would feel upset that my territory has been invaded and that person would definitely be better than I, but on the other hand, the artist needs encouragement. As human beings, it is important to be creative and I know this deep in my soul. What happens when someone's art work is criticized? What happens to a child who is told that her drawing isn't very good? How can we do that to one another?

Could it be that one of our jobs as artists is to hold that inner child and tell her that her work is worth it? Should we be supporting any type of art in spite of personal opinions? And what about our own work? We want our work to be in the fore front. We want everyone to love our pieces and buy them... and if they are purchasing someone else's work, they are not looking at ours.

I am easily intimidated by other artists, by other healers. Can my work ever hold up to theirs? In the back of my mind is always the thought, "they are better than I." Is that a fair assumption? Absolutely not! So why do we suffer these feelings?

I don't think art is supported very well. Yes, there are the wonderful artisans shows, but art around here doesn't have the... respect... that it does in New York or Paris. Our society (schooling) doesn't support artists. Art is often the first programs taken out of schools when there are cutbacks. Oh, I am not saying this well today. It's that we are not taught art appreciation. We, as a society, are not shown the difference between buying a pretty picture at Walmart and owning a piece of fine art. Or we are told that fine art is unaffordable.

The art of creativity is fluid; it changes and moves. Styles are different. Mediums mix. An artist puts a piece of her soul into every creation. Healing techniques are like that, too. Even when there has been formal training, individuality comes forth.

Criticism is the knife that cuts to the heart. A cruel word can crush souls. When someone has put themselves into their work then any form of negativity can be damaging to the psyche. Is harsh criticism really necessary?

Oh, don't tell me things like, "It will make you stronger," or the criticism "will make you a better artist." I don't believe it. Maybe because I am refusing to run my life on negativity. If I feel really good about a piece, what right should anyone have to step on that bit of joy?

I heard someone say once that "bad art shouldn't be allowed out there." How much of this really matters? Who determines what is bad and what is good? IS it all just personal opinion or who has been formally trained? Perhaps it's the difference between looking at a piece and not understanding the artist and having an explanation into the process of making the particular creation.

I apologize, my friends, for this rough draft today. I'm off to Tai Chi.

FEELING OVERWHELMED

I have a heavy TO DO list and am feeling a bit overwhelmed. I'm only about half way through the editing of the 300 pictures I took on Saturday. That's a slow and tedious process but at least I am feeling better about the photos. I've deleted the bad ones and now that the others are being cropped, the shots look pretty good. Hopefully others will agree.

I also have people waiting to see photos that were taken the previous week while out snowmobiling. I got them edited, but not into an album format that I do for family. The album can also be a tedious task as it takes time to arrange and size the pictures to the pages. Then I will have to print four copies.

More snowmobile club work will be in typing up minutes to the last Trails Meeting... which I'd like to get done before Thursday's BOD. It's also time to start working on the newsletter. The club printer got delivered yesterday so I will be able to put out many copies to snail-mail to club members without internet access. I'll have to fold and staple pages, print address labels, and place stamps on over 60 copies... maybe Ma will help.

And what about bills? Have I managed to get them paid this month? Only the ones I do on-line. We had another oil delivery yesterday and I haven't written the check for the last one, yet. When will I ever learn! Every month I say that I will write the check the moment the bills come, but I still set them aside and next thing I know, another month has passed. I keep saying that someday I'll learn, but you know what they say about someday--- "and some daaay never comes."

I agreed to be part of a new artists group being started in town and we have a first meeting this afternoon. (Like I need to take on anything else.) I haven't come up with any ideas. I have a foot massage appointment right afterwards and tonight is another Healers' Meeting. Tomorrow and Friday mornings are Tai Chi and I have to fit grocery shopping in sometime for the dinner group Friday.

Do I sound like I'm whining? Sorry. I'm my own worst enemy, I know. There's plenty of time during the day and whose fault is it if I sit and play games with Ma or read or watch tv? I make these choices in my life and I find it kind of interesting that I keep making the same "mistakes." It's not that I don't know or am not aware. I know these bills are due and I will still set them aside. I agree to be on these committees and enjoy doing the work. I love the Tai Chi and energy work and the sharing of healing information.

I'm so lucky that I don't have to leave the house to go to a "real" job. How would I ever get anything done? (Ha ha.)

What do you do during times of feeling overwhelmed?

A PHOTOGRAPHER'S NIGHTMARE

Saturday was clear, but oh, so cold. I looked out across the ice and did not feel like walking half way across the lake to where I would take pictures. I could see people slipping and sliding while they worked to set up the Radar Run starting line. Ever since that fall I took a few years ago, I am petrified of falling.

I pulled my hoodie over my head and tied my hat over that. I find people are not quick to help those who are not young, skinny, and pretty but I finally took the courage to ask one of the guys to take me out on his ATV. He asked someone else to do and after trouble with the machine, that one asked a third.

The spot chosen was on sheer wind polished ice. There wasn't any way I could move around without falling. I was offered the use of the machine. He said he didn't need it and after showing me the controls, went on his way. Oooh, my first time driving an ATV with a quad track. Very cool!

I positioned the machine so I could get a good view of the racers. The wind was fierce and coming straight at me. One of the cones blew down the track and debris would periodically come whipping across the ice. I wondered how long I could stay out there when one of the guys came driving up in a SUV.

"Would you rather sit in here?" I was hesitant because of visibility, but with that wind, I'd be a fool to say no. Of course I took him up on his offer. I moved the ATV and he backed in. We swapped vehicles. I let the engine run a few minutes to get warm and put the window down far enough that I could stick the camera out.

There was some time before contestants came to the line. I wished I'd brought my flute. I had a radio and could hear others calling to each other. Was I the only one alone? That realization made me feel like an outsider.

Finally, though, they were ready. "This one wants a picture," would be called down to me but I ended up taking photos of everyone. After an hour, someone came out for the photo card and I began using the other camera. Later he brought me a burger and fries and I wolfed those down hardly tasting them. The warmth felt good.

I sat by myself for three hours snapping picture after picture of the same people making multiple runs. There were times when the wind would blow chips of ice through the open window. The SUV would shake. I was very glad that I was not standing outside. Finally the second photographer came to take over and she opted to stand on the other side of the track and did not want to sit in the vehicle. I called it quits and drove off the lake.

The pictures were downloaded onto a laptop and a slide show set up. I was leery as I like to crop and edit the pictures to get the best of the scenes, but we also wanted to show people with hopes they'd want to purchase copies. I left when that was set up and headed home.

Yesterday I downloaded the pictures on my computer. Oh no! How horrible! And to think this was set up as a slide show for people to see? I am soooo embarrassed! I began the tedious task of cropping. Yes, this made the photos much better, but I am still not happy. I have to consider, though, that there are crowds at these kinds of events and it's near impossible to get pictures without something in the background. Still, I should have known better.

The worst is knowing that people saw bad photography. This isn't anything like I normally do. I can blame the cold and the wind. If I had felt safe to move around on the ice, I could have chosen a better spot. Still, these are no excuses. I knew which side of the track I had wanted to be on and they had said I could move, but I stayed at the first spot. I let the cold, ice, and wind disrupt my focus and now I pay for it. Yes, I am embarrassed and ashamed... but I'll get over it.

I can only hope that I can recoup some of my integrity with the edited photos posted to the LSSC website.

The wind howls and rattles the screens making viscious sounds like angry wolves trying to get in. The noise dies and I wait as it creeps around the house searching for another way to get to me. I pull my wrap tighter. In the moments of silence, the crows and blue jays fill the void with their raucous calls. I need to go out and rescue the fallen bird feeders but I choose to sit here in the warmth.

Today I take Ma to the urologist. I hope they take that catheter out--- so does she, although she has loved having people wait on her. She doesn't like it when I try to get her up and moving around. She called Mags, her twin sister, yesterday and Mags was trying to talk her into moving into the nursing home so they could be together and "have fun." Mags was having a good day, alert and pain free.

My mind is kind of quiet this morning. I have Tai Chi in a little while so I need to keep an eye on the time. I cannot get involved in any projects, though there's still lots to be done. I need to get back to making some notecards as I do sell quite a few of those. Somehow I still can't wrap my mind around how to actually promote them, group them, advertise them.

One thing I did accomplish yesterday was framing two more drawings. I had received my other order, but I still seem to be missing the mat for the Milkweed Pods. I don't know why I'm not getting that one done! I have measured it numerous times. Hey, at least I have two more pictures ready to go up on the wall.

Got a different frame with this latest group and I'll have to see which I like better. I also received the replacements for the items that were damaged and will have to work with those. I'm really pleased with how they look when hung and can't wait to get the remainder of the original drawings on the wall. Then I can start new drawings.

This has given me time to consider the technique of the originals. I definitely like the smaller drawings better. That might be because I tend to have more open space in the larger--- the ones that fit into a 16 X 20 frame. My style isn't doing a lot of small detail, but in making an illusion of detail which really shows in the drawings which fit into 11 X 14 frames.

One of the things that I find very interesting is that I can make multiple drawings from looking at one photograph and each will look different although the place can still be recognized. I'd like to keep working a bit more with that concept, yet there are so many more drawings to do using other pictures. I'm even considering doing a scene and adding a snowmobile to it and donating the drawing to the local snowmobile club. I want to do one of those for my brother for Christmas next year (meant to this past year, but never got around to it.)

Hey, maybe I could even do consignments. I could lay out a few different backgrounds and people could choose which one to have their snowmobiler drawn on. Because it's a charcoal drawing, it wouldn't be a portrait per se because there would be a shadow image and no real details of the person making the drawings generic... kind of. Hmmm, still thinking this out.

Well, I'm off to other things. Wish Ma and I luck today. She's been feeling really good the past two days except for having that catheter. Let's hope she gets a clean bill of health.

It's raining and the snow is melting. The distant trees are shrouded in fog and creep into my senses like an eerie apparition. This is just a tease before another cold front steps in. Yesterday I went outside in my barefeet to feed the birds. I've a lot to do today so have to keep a close watch on the time. Have to be out of the house by 8:15; chiropractor, then shopping. I don't like shopping.

The crows are hollering. I have nothing to give them this morning. They are funny. I love how they look so regal and will sit side by side in the tree and kiss each other.

I've been playing around with Facebook. Not quite sure what's going on with it. I did manage to talk to my granddaughter in Wichita Kansas and wish her a happy birthday. Facebook kind of seems like a kid thing, but I do see that there are older people, too. Well, if nothing, I can be in contact with my Kansas Kids. Yea!

Working on snowmobile stuff. I'm not much into riding, but I do enjoy the meetings and taking notes. I am also now doing the club newsletter and will write articles for the state rag, Sno-Traveler. It's an interesting experience because they talk about trails and I have no idea where those trails are, they mention people I've not met, and go on about equipment using terms with which I am unfamiliar. Still, I like it and my writing skills are something that I can offer, such as they are.

I've not been able to accomplish much these past mornings. The hours are too few and once I go downstairs and Ma is up, I cannot seem to get my butt back up here to work. It's like I have this idea in my head that I cannot do any work after noon time and will try to schedule everything for morning--- classes, appointments, shopping--- plus I try to fit in my writing and art work.

Hmmm, I sense an issue here... or is it just laziness. I don't like the term "lazy." My mother called me that all time while I was growing up. Am I REALLY lazy or do I simply choose what I want to do? I choose to write over cleaning house. I choose to sit and play games with her over cleaning house. Well, I could go on saying many things I choose to do over cleaning. Yet, I do get things clean from time to time.

I have to write, there's no doubt about that, just like I periodically have to pick up paint brushes or charcoal sticks. I will sit and play games with Ma because there isn't anything else she'd rather do--- except lie in bed. I put together meals. I do dishes and clean the counters. Gosh, I don't know what I'd do if I had a REAL job and had to leave the house every day.

I am very lucky and say my gratitude prayers every day. I like my life. Oh, there are other things that I'd like to do... and I could do them if I so chose. Right now, however, my goals are to get the LSSC writings organized and saved off the hard drive. I want to keep up with this blog and work a little more with the Facebook (if I can figure out what it really is worth.) Plus, I need to better design my website and links to be more user friendly. I just had it re-done and I think it is too wordy. I need to do something with all my photographs. AND I have to figure out how to pull this together to bring in some income.

My goal is to share what I do and who I am; to open up conversation and dialogue with others who share similar interests. I believe that if I keep working towards this goal and talking about it, it will happen.

DEADLINES

Once more I have waited til the last minute to write an article after saying again that I would not. I am putting it off further, by writing here first. Then again, I have til tomorrow. Why is it that I cannot get things done in a timely manner? I'm the same way with paying bills. If I had all the money I've paid out in late fees, I would be very well off. If I ever sent a birthday card out on time I think the recipient would faint.

So what is it about timing that puts me off? I easily find other things to do. I work on many projects simultaneously bouncing from this to that like a butterfly going from flower to flower. I am easily distracted... and I kind of like being this way.

What do I mean by liking to be this way? It's that I find many things interesting. How can I narrow my focus when there's so much beauty around me? Even as I write here, my eyes keep straying to the window where there are blue jays, chickadees, and crows flying by. I hear a song and I am looking to see what bird is starting his mating call. The sky turns pink and blue and the sun peeks over the tops of the trees while the light reflects on the ice in the road.

I suppose this lack of focus is why my house is seldom clean. I'll start working and get caught up somewhere else. If I take an object downstairs, I'll end up doing something while there or I'll pick up a book or an interesting piece that I found and next thing I know, an hour or so has passed and I've not accomplished what I set out to do.

I have learned not to be angry at myself for these digressions. I want to enjoy life and if I am distracted by the beauty around me, then so be it. I find beauty in many things; from birds, flowers, bits and pieces that I find, words, colors, textures, and patterns. My sacred name is Crying Heart because of how I see this beauty. I want others to notice, too. I want everyone to pay attention to this gorgeous land on which we live.

What are deadlines when there is much joy to be had by taking the time to pay attention; by allowing the soul to breathe, see, touch, listen, and taste. Yes, I made the commitment to writing this article, but I refuse to let the pressure put me in a box with the lid on tight. I'll do my writing with an open heart and when I am able to get the article in on time, then hurray and those times I miss the mark, oops, sorry. No hard regrets. I shall enjoy life as much as I can. Oooh, Yea ya.